I’ve been diagnosed with epilepsy at age 41. Isn’t it funny the kind of surprises life throws at you?

I had my first seizure 2 years ago. At the time the neurologist told me that he was not concerned. One seizure does not make you an epileptic, he told me.

1 1/2 years and a second seizure later, he told me, the medication to control seizures is very strong so its ok for you to wait and see first since the seizure is so infrequent. It might not be necessary for you to take a medication with many side effects to control something that happens infrequently. Both seizures occurred in bed so there was even less reason to take any medication for it at the time.

The recent seizure incidents took place 1/2 year after the last so looks like theres no escaping medication and its side effects now.

I’m now on anticonvulsant drugs. It made me feel so sleepy the first few days I was on it. I’m less sleepy now but still feel drugged, woozy, spaced out or dazed at times. I’m told that these effects will go off in a couple of weeks. Drowsiness is just one of it, there is a long list of other possible side effects.

I love things natural and hate pill popping but now I have no choice but to pop pills twice a day. I hope it helps to control the seizures as these things work differently on different individuals and its so subjective. They would normally start you on the lowest dosage and work their way up if it doesn’t control the seizures so I can never be sure….

I feel so lost. I sit here thinking of what lifestyle changes I have to make to be on the safe side. My husband has asked me to read up as much as I can about my condition. I would normally do that, ie read up as much as I can because with understanding and knowledge, comes better management but at the same time I’m afraid to read. The more I read, the more frightened I become. Maybe I’m just in denial.

I’m lost and I’m worried. Worried about the children. The people around me tell me that the experience appears more traumatic for me than the kids but still I worry even though they appear fine and I worry that if I fall unconcious they may get into mischief on those times when no one is around. I have arranged for someone to be around most of the time but its not possible for that all of the time. I have also stopped carrying or lifting the kids because the last thing I want is for someone else to be injured when I awaken. I’m also worried each time I walk up or down the stairs. So many ifs… and what ifs…. I think I’m thinking too much and should just go and have some fun with the kids now and stop thinking. There you see. I told you I am in denial. I just don’t want to think about it. And when hubby talks to me about his ideas and suggestions just because he is concerned and wants to talk to me about it, I almost want to get mad at him because I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to face my greatest fear.

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