Subconcious Fear

Its been five months now since the seizure I had on 1st April (yeah, what a cruel joke). Anyway, I’m on medication now and I thought that I was beggining to get my confidence back. Now, I can go to public places alone for short periods of time without feeling afraid, things like that.

Apparently my confidence does not extend to my subconcious mind. On Saturday night I dreamed that I was about to be struct by a bolt of lighting. I moved quickly out of its path and that woke me up with a jolt. The jolt felt like a jerk and my first thought was did I just have another seizure? I read that some people see flashes of light just before one.

I was afraid to go back to sleep for a while but I eventually did…. only to dream that hubby was bending over me with a concerned look saying “Hon, did you know that you just had another seizure?” Thats my most dreaded sentence. All I could do was ask “Is it?” without knowing what had passed, only feeling tired, so very tired. All that happened in my dream almost like what happened 5 months ago. Sigh. When will I stop feeling afraid?

I had one or two sleep paralysis moments upon awakening a few months ago. Doc says its got nothing to do with a seizure and it happens mostly to teenagers. Still it was very scary to be awake and unable to move, talk or wake up. And afterwards I felt so tired throughout the day. Really scary.

Oh well, I’m just blogging this for the sake of recording this down. Now back to writing happier more positive things. Why write such black thoughts on a Monday morning?