Last night I had a bad dream. I dreamt that I had colored pages and pages into a coloring book but had no recollection of doing it. I dreamed that I had colored my bears purples and pinks etc. Everything was colored badly. There were no shades or different colors for each object. Everything was colored in one color.

I told my bros and sis, thats not me. I would color everything nicely, not ugly in one color like this and I don’t remember doing it. Look. I told them theres so many pages of it too. I don’t remember coloring any of them. I must have had a seizure without knowing it, I told them. Perhaps I had a seizure and I was doing this repetitive task and now I can’t remember a thing.

I guess that my subconcious fear has not gone away. I still fear my seizures. I fear the feeling of having a seizure and not remembering it afterwards. I had one day erased from my memory on that day when I had 3 seizures in a day and it was scary. My sister told me that I didn’t sound like myself, that I sounded sort of whiny when I spoke to her after recovering from my seizure. Its strange to not remember. Feels as if I had been a walking zombie or something. I do not remember anything that I said to my husband or children. He said that the second time it happened that day, I had called him and told him that my girl had informed me that I just had another fit. I don’t remember any of it. I worry what the kids felt, being alone with me when it happened. It was on the 1st of April. What a stupid April Day’s joke I had played on myself, I thought. OMG, I’m going to stop this train of thoughts right now.

Last night I read a bedtime story to the kids. There was a line in it which said “Nurse Elephant tells her patients that it is no use feeling sorry for themselves. There’s always someone who’s worse off than they are.” I’ve only had a few seizures and they seem under control now with medication. Only a few seizures and I’m scared shitless. My doctor tells me that he has many patients, some of them who have several seizures daily. Some, once a week. My once a year or two pale in comparison to what these other people are going through. I wonder how they lead their lives but I guess they just go on. There is no choice. You just go on, just like everybody else.

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