“You should have your own life, your own pursuits, your own friends,Â your own career. You shouldn’t stay cooped up in the house. Your life should not just revolve around your partner and your kids. You will make your kids guilty in adulthood about having to payback for all the sacrificesÂ you have made for them.”
Some of these statements are all too common and often heard but you know what? They don’t bother me nor do they strike a chord within me.
I am a SAHM. I do spend a lot of my time at home with my kids. My life pretty much revolves around them. Its November now, and I am planning what food to make for the girl’s year end class party, I am planning when I should take my boy to register for kindy class for next year, I am planning when I should go shopping for their back to school gear, I am planning to reserve kid friendly accomodation for Chinese New Year next year, I am planning to take them for a movie during the school holidays, I am planning what sort of activities and crafts I can do with them during the school holidays, etc etc. The list is endless. Its been that way since the time they were babies when I planned what menu to feed them with daily when they first started solids, when to take them to the paeditrician, what brand of diapers to buy etc.
During a typical day at home with them, I would bathe them, feed them, sit down with and help them with their homework, get them to nap, read to them, chat with them, play with them and teach them. I feel happy to be around for them as soon as they get home. I want my kids to come home as soon as classes are over, to hot nutritious food, to a listening ear to listen to what they have been up to all day in school, to get them changed, bathed and refreshed, to sit and do work with them, then to make sure they get some rest and a short nap, then wake up for dinner, to more hot food and some playtime, reading timeÂ etc. Thats what I want my kids to have.
I do not want my kids to be rushed from school to a tuition place still in their school uniform (I see this happening more and more now. I see kids in the evening, still in their daytime school uniform lugging their heavy schoolbags out from a tuition centre, waiting for their parents to pick them). I do not want my kidsÂ to eat food outside provided by some establishment or school, only to have me collect them after work. When school is over for my girl, I still see some of her friends who stay behind for lunch, a bath, a nap and some playtime at the kindy which she attends which also doubles up as a daycare centre. They only get to go home in the evening. Thats not what I want for my girl and I am fortunate that I have a choice to make the kind of growing up environment that I want for them happen.
Yes, my life does revolve around the kids, around their activities, their school life,Â their holidays etc. And yes, I talk about my kids all the time. Why I even have 2-3 blogs that I maintain fairly frequently to talk about them. I may be considered rather boring to some. Oh, I can have “inteligent conversations” if I want to but I like to talk about my kids especially to another fellow mother and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Yes, I am not working now but I did not make any big sacrifices with that (So kids you don’t have to feel guilty, you hear that?) Its not a sacrifice at all when you do something out of love. Its not a sacrifice when you do something because you want to. Its only a sacrifice if you do something because you are forced to or because you have no choice but its certainly not that way for me.
I see some SAHMs who feel “one kind” (I don’t know what word to use) when they meet up with their high flyer friends when their friends pass around their latest name card with high credentials, talk about their latest promotions or latest overseas trips.Â There is no need to feel low esteem nor is there a need to feel overly proud of your achievement of having “sacrificed” your work for your kids.
Pssst. A little gossip. I thinkÂ my neighbour is one of those high flyers. She drives an expensive car which she always toots loudly for the maid to open the gate when she gets home, she wears heavy makeup and often looks at me disdainly. I have never seen her smile. Perhaps she looks down on a mere housewife but I couldn’t care two hoots. Ok. Ok. I’m just making presumptions here but really, I’ve never seen a more unfriendly person. Sorry, I digressed. I do not feel ashamed about being just a housewife. Thats all I was trying to say. Please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that high flyers are bad moms. Its just not me that is all. I don’t have the energy to be both and I salute those who can do it all but for me, I can’t give my kids the attention I want if I am distracted by other things.
I do not feel “cooped up” in my house all day. I am not “rotting” in my own house devoid of any adult company and conversation. Goodness gracious. Certainly not at all! Â I find it a joy to be able to watch the kids play, to watch their silly antics and listen to the funny things they say not to mention to be able to witness their every first. First roll over, first crawl, first walk, first tooth, first word. Its the most amazing and the most wonderful thing. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.
If someone were to tell me “You should have your own life”, I’d tell them but this IS life. This is what life is all about. I am happy with my life. I am happy with my life that revolves around my kids. Is anything wrong with that?
I am a happy mom and I am not going to turn around one day when I am old and say “I regret giving up my job. I regret giving up some social engagements. I regret living in a world that revolved around the kids.” Nope. I hope to look back one day to having lived a full life that revolved around my kids that leaves me with a close bond with them for life.
The above animation was done for me by Maria or Twinsmom as she is more popularly known around the blog some time ago when I first started blogging. Its a reflection of my day that revolves around my kids.
I think you are right about everything you say on this post, as long as you have made up your mind, there is no regret later on.
BTW, I miss reading Maria’s blog. Do you still have her URL?
Its here. Do you read chinese? I heard that she is expecting a third btw. 🙂
You’re very good in expressing feeling of a SAHM in words. I do have the same feeling. SAHM is not a sacrifice… For me, it would be a real sacrifice if I were a career woman at somebody’s office out there 🙂
For me, it would be a real sacrifice if I were a career woman at somebody’s office out there 🙂
Henny, you are even better at expressing. You just expressed in one sentence what I was trying to express in an entire blog post! Hahaha.
just cos you’re a SAHM doesn’t mean your life is over and you are stuck at home. It’s all about balance wor.. That’s why women are better at multitasking, we have so many hats to wear 🙂
will pay off in the long run I reckon 🙂
Lia, the new age housewife blogs (kekekeke) and does not let herself go (still must take care of appearance and health, exercise, eat right etc) and continues to learn new things all the time. 🙂
LOVED this post. GOOD for you.
I think as long as we don’t think it is a carifice, we will not have those negative baggage that people ‘claim’!
I shake my head at people who believe their opinion is the only one that works for everyone. Each to their own. And even if there is baggage, so what? It doesn’t affect them at all…
Ann, yes, to each his own. What works well for me, may not work well for you but thats ok. It does not make anyone of us a lesser mom. Staying home does not make your a better mom for having “sacrificed your life away.” Similarly, being a working mom does not make you a better mom for giving your children a better example and helping to provide for your family etc. I have always believed that in parenting, anything goes, that is anything that works well for you, your family, your beliefs and your circumstances and you can throw all those parenting books away or all those uncalled for advice. 😉
Tell me about it, even my vacation plan also involved them. My business trip also have to consider what to buy for them.
Even our nighttime dreams include them. Hahaha.
There are “good SAHM” and there are “bad SAHM”
There are “good FTWM” and there are “bad FTWM”
I am sure we are “good SAHM” and “good FTWM”:)
Lets shake on that. 🙂
HUH? You mean SAHMs don’t sit around and watch Korean serials meh? So busy life one ah?
WAKAKAAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAAK!! Kidding kidding… I’m glad I’m SAHM too! 😉
Oh, I’m sorry, there was some typo error in my post. Actually it should read…. After I send them off to school, I go to my gym with my personal trainer, After that I go for my daily facial and then its off to the hair salon for a wash, manicure and pedicure. If I have time, I may go to my regular spa for a massage. Then I meet up with the other tai tais for a sumptious buffet lunch. We usually go shopping for the latest clothing and accessories after lunch. When I get home, I try to squeeze in some time for a Korean drama or two before picking up the kids in the evening. When their dad comes home from work, I tell him that I am too tired from looking after the house and kids, so we go out to dinner at a restaurant. Blah blah blah……
zzzzzzzzzzz…. oh ok. The dream was nice while it lasted. 😉
There is just no replacement for a mother, whether they are working outside the home or working all the time at home. 🙂
Happy Mother’s Day!!
Mother’s Day isn’t till May. Hehe.
i agree with u!!
Agree with you. I’m very proud of what I’m now. A SAHM to three kids. What else and what more could I ask for? I’m content to be around to nurture them and see them grow and be an active part in their formative years. 😀
YEAH to all SAHM!
All mummies are child centred 🙂 That’s what our blogs created for.
I love being a SAHM, ppl wonder why i can live my life as simple as this, no colleagues and no social life, but for me “colleagues + social life = gossips and bitching”. Are these more important than spending time together with our children?
A SAHM’s life can be so simple and actually life itself is simple, if one thinks that Life must be full of excitements and works or achievement in careers, then I suppose the person will be having hard time when he/she retires. Wait n see lah! I’m glad that i have settled down myself in my 30’s!
Its the simple things in life that makes us happy. 🙂
I have linked this post to my latest post 🙂 Hope you don’t mind. Thank you in advance.
Not at all. 🙂
I lost my freedom when I had Philip. I mean total lost. I cannot just go out at night for teh tarik, shopping, etc. Everything now is based on the little fella. Sometimes when I’m depress, I wished I didnt had any child. But then when I see Philip happy, I’m happy…. *siao* (crazy) hor!!!
Ah yes, no more middle of the night teh tarik. Now if I want to have roti canai, I drag the kids along. The kids do love roti canai…. with sugar.
I totally agree with you and in fact I am proud that I am a SAHM and able to spend all my time with him watching him grow and nurture him the way I want.
I have a friend who send her girl to nanny 5 days and 5 nights a week and only bring her back during weekends. If you ask her how did she train her child to wish good morning, she’ll answer you, ” I don’t know. My nanny taught her.” She dare not even bring her to a playground coz she said she cannot manage her. She did not even feed her proper dinner during weekends coz she said her girl refuse to eat. *pengsan*
I have another friend who is a SAHM but everyday complain about her kids and her boring life. She never play with them, never plan activities with them coz she said I don’t want to chase them when they are out.
I am glad that we enjoy playing with our kids, planning their food menu, planning activities for them and most important, happy to be with them.
Cheers to all SAHMommies……
Oh yes, planning their food menus and activities is a fun thing to do. I remember I had a friend the same way too. She had her mom and mom-in-law look after her kid during the weekdays AND nights and only took him back during the weekends. Another friend had her mom look after her kid during the weekdays AND nights too because they said they couldn’t cope. I feel that they should at least look after their kids during the weekday nights. This way, it’ll be too late to try and bond with the kid or communicate with them when they reach their teens IMO.
I must say I really admire you.
I know I can’t be a stay home mum, though I wish I could at times.
IMHO, to be a SAHM, one requires self initiative and disciplines. I’m a very bad with time management and self-initiate and of coz I love to procrastinate things.
It’s best that I remain as who I’m, a working mother at least I’m obliged to get up early in the morning to get the kids up, then report to work. I like it this way.
When I have too much time in my own hands, I will become very disorganized. It’s very risky…hehehe…
But I can really see that you really love what you are doing. It ‘s inspiring, make me wish I could be one, but I have to think twice, since I lack self-organized ability.
Its true what you say. I’m very disorganised too. However the kids’ schedule keep me in check. Hahaha.
Bravo & well said. I am a FTWM but my whole life revolves around my kids. I wish i could do spend more time with them by being a SAHM but unfortunately, i can’t.
Thats the hardest part of all. Wishing you could spend more time with them but can’t. 🙁
I love what you just wrote. yes, sometimes i really pity some women i see (like your neighbours) who can be so proud some more for dono what reason *hope I do not offense anyone here!*
*better run away fast fast then* buden hor, they can find you on your blog. Haha.
Fantastic post. Your echo the thoughts of many SAHM out there, including me. Our family is our legacy. When my friends were passing out business cards, I offered to pass out diapers. Kakakaka. I love a quote by one of our church leaders that goes “No success can compensate for failure in the home.”
Thats a very good quote indeed. Thanks for sharing.
Hi there,I like your post.I am one of the FTWM and the one who rushed out early in the morning together with the kids. I feel so sad when I need to wake my kids up eventhough they’re in slumberland 🙁 but I tell myself I must archieve my goal to become a SAHM in 2 yrs time. Cheers!
I hope you achieve your goal. 🙂