one thing i couldn’t agree more from reading this – no matter what kind of maid you get, managing relationships and their status in the family is always something very difficult and challenging.

just my long-winded two-cents.

I like receiving “long-winded” comments. Anyway, we are still managing relationships although she has long become accustomed to the household tasks and schedules. Relationships on the other hand, has no schedule. We have to be aware and sensitive towards her while we are trying hard to make sure we bring up the kids in a proper manner. Not easy at all. I think in your case, it is even harder.

I don’t live in Malaysia but a lot of my friends in KL are polar opposites- either hands-on moms without maids or hands-off moms with maids. VERY different types of women, though. It really depends on what kind of arrangement suits your personality.

Over here, women rely on the clothes dryer, the dishwasher, the automatic vacuum cleaner, the occasional cleaning lady, high tech daycare that costs over AUD$100 per DAY, garden sprinkler systems, waste management systems, home delivered catered food (if needed)….. and the kids are more independent (in comparison) for sure.

Implosion, thats a wonderful insight and observation. Thanks for sharing.

in terms of housework, i have let that go 100% since i got the maid but of course with constant monitoring of her work now and then as my maid tend to be inconsistent at times.

as for handling my kids, yes like you and some other moms here, i do get really jealous when i see that she’s playing with my no.1 so closely. but i got no choice as i’ve to attend to my newborn now. it really gets to me but i remind myself that she’s only here short term – i dont really tend to keep her longer than 2 years unless she has proven to be that she’s capable (which she hasn’t).

when i can cope, i will handle no. 1 myself. if i can’t, i will let the maid do it. i have let go alot since no. 2 came along so the maid will shower/play/change my no. 1. but as for feeding, it is still us parents that will feed her.

anyway, ur also doing a great job dealing with ur maid. i can’t say the same for me coz i don’t know why but i do feel irritated by my maid lately. haha..but no, i’ve not scolded her or anything, jst corrected her firmly when she doesn’t do a good job. i don’t intend to scold her coz i still need to be with her for another 15 months or so (so fast eh?!).

Actually thats part of the problem with having maid. Its easy to ask them to help out with the kids when we are tired but without one, we will have to do no matter what. Previously, with two kids, no maid, mil, confinement lady or whatever, I also survived. But now, sometimes, just sometimes, I take the easy way out and ask the maid to “babysit” for me occassionally however much I resolve not to.

Therefore, they cannot follow her anywhere on their own. They should ONLY follow Mummy and Daddy. Emphasize that you love them very, very much even if you scold them sometimes?

I understand how you feel as I was worried too when Lucas liked his kindy teachers and regular maid a lot (they are ALWAYS nice vs nasty Mum)!

Perhaps I have overemphasized that point because whenever I scold them, the boy and girl would discuss among themselves and say “but mummy still loves us” or “mummy loves us no matter what” to which I have to reply “Yes, mummy loves you no matter what and that is why mummy is trying to teach you to be a good little boy/girl.” etc.

So perhaps, one rule is to attend to her human needs in other ways. Be thoughful.

Example: celebrate her birthdays in a simple way. Kids love the birthday cake ritual, be it theirs or someone else’. They can make her a card. The opportunity for kids to learn to be gracious, to care about others less fortunate is a bonus. Optionally, employer can also give her a small present, be it a token RM10 angpow or a pair of going-out sandals. My mum gives her Filipina maid a RM10 telephone card to call home on her or her husband’s birthday. Come Christmas, she gets practical presents like inexpensive clothes.

Believe me, these little gestures go a long way to keeping a maid happy.

Oh, we do all these things. For her birthday, we got her a cake, sang a song to her and took pictures of her cutting the cake for keepsakes. For Christmas, we got ourselves presents and we got her books to read all nicely wrapped up. For CNY, we took her out shopping to buy new clothes and shoes same as the rest of the family. And we take her everywhere with us when we eat out. Probably thats why the kids are so close to her. Haha.

Fact is, regardless of who we are and what positions we hold in the household dynamics, a sense of belonging is a basic and essential human need. Therein lies the challenge cos while she’s a member of our household, she is not a family member. As such there is clearly, a tension between empathy (for her loneliness which is central to her happiness and emotional stability and consequently ability to function as a maid) and our natural instinct to be territorial over our family relationships.

I totally agree with you that it is a challenge for us because we want to treat her like family but she is not quite family. When I wrote about this issue once, a maid wrote in to say, that she was surprised because she does not want to become part of family of any household that she works for. She’d rather that the lines between employer and employee are clearer and she was surprised that the maids sits down with us, have munchies and watch tv together. I hadn’t thought about that before, the fact, that they may actually prefer not to be part of the family because of the implications of that relationship. With “family” you may be obligated to do more than what you are paid for and that may not be something that everyone wants.

Secondly, i reckon my maid loves my son too much. How would you react seeing the maid hugging ur kid or kissing ur kid (at the cheek)? I dont feel nice cos I’m jealous that my son likes her??? furthermore, my son “chat” with the maid more than me. i see philip blah-ing away with the maid more often. philip laugh more too when playing with maid. what to do huh? cant blame the maid since the maid spend more tiem with philip? (i’m work 9-5pm and maid takes care from 9-5pm)

i allow the maid to discipline philip. the intention is to inform philip that he can do this, he cannot do this. i told them maid not to spoil him.

You must be careful that she does not abuse this right to discipline though. You know lah, even we the mothers, sometimes lose it during times when the kid becomes impossible.

you’ve done a wonderful job so far. keep it up

PLaying the mommy role is no way. I’ve seen many maids play the mommy role, carrying babies close to them in a sling etc. I feel that the real mommies are missing out on the bonding part with their babies and allowing the babies to bond with the maid instead. There is something not quite right about that.

Thank you.

I only recently got a maid so this is all new to me. Still learning.