Archive for the 'Marriage & Relationships' Category

This year for hubby’s birthday, he was on leave. His birthday is near Chinese New Year as it always is. However this year, something was different. This year, the kids were both at school in the morning. Hurrah!

So we had 2-3 hours to ourselves to “paktor” just like the old times. We went to “jalan-jalan” and held hands like we did in our 20s and 30s but here we are now both in our 40s.

Quite often when we are with the kids, we have no time to hold hands because either one of us would be holding one or two pairs of little hands.

We don’t have anyone we can rely on to babysit for a few hours so it is unrealistic for us to go for the suggested “date nights” that one is “supposed to go on” to keep your relationship with your spouse alive instead of concentrating on family and talk about babies and children all the time.

Now that the kids are old enough to be in school we can have stolen moments again. 

I often see my neighbours having stolen moments after their 3 kids are in school. They would walk out together for breakfast holding hands.

So, to parents of very young babies and toddlers who never seem to have the time, be patient, you will find time again for each other once the kids grow up and they grow up so very fast.

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly.  ~Peter De Vries

My spouse does not speak to me nicely. At least, that is what my daughter says. Hahaha. Yesterday, the kids wanted to pick some books to buy from a brochure. I told them that I will have to ask daddy for them first.

“No, let us ask.” the girl said. If we ask, daddy will tell us nicely. “No, you have too many books already…..” etc (she said in a gentle, patient voice) but if you ask…. daddy will grrrrr grrrrr growl growl. (makes imitation of how someone would sound like if replying in an irrate manner.)

She then went on to give her own assumption as to why daddy speaks like that to mummy. “Maybe it is because you have been speaking to him for too many years. We speak to him for only a few years.” Hahaha.

I just had to tell him what the girl said and we both had a good laugh about it.

So, what do you think? Does familiarity breed contempt? Have you forgotten how to speak to your spouse nicely? For the record, actually the spouse does speak to me nicely. He is also very polite and often thanks me, even if I am just bringing him a cup of water. Do you thank your spouse for little things? However, he does sometimes grunt and grumble a little when he is under stress or has a lot of things on his mind. Who doesn’t?

I reminded the kids that they can ask him but they must pick the right time to speak to him. They must ask him when he is free and not when he is in the middle of something. Similarly, when speaking to our spouse, I think we must pick the right time to speak, especially if it is to discuss some important issue. Otherwise, we will end up being growled at and we will be snarling back. lol.

I’m never short of hugs at home. A hug is the most powerful thing. With just a short hug you say “I Love You and I Care About You” without words. Its a warm lovely feeling to be hugged and to hug and cuddle.

The thing with children is they give their hugs so freely. With two young kids at home, I’m never short of hugs. If I want a hug, all I need to do is put out my arms to one of them and they’ll run eagerly into my arms for a hug. The man is a little bit more restraint than that.

I wonder why people give out hugs so easily when they’re young and then shy away from them when they’re adults? Why do people find it so easy to hug their children but not their parents?

Even if I don’t put out my arms, they’ll usually creep or gravitate towards me somehow. Last night after lights were out and everyone was told to shhhh after a while, one little one crept towards me, hugged me and said “Mummy, you’re a good mummy.” That gave me the warmest feeling ever.

I hope to raise children who will not be afraid to hug. I hope that they will not become shy or afraid to hug me when they grow up so I’m going to teach them that there is nothing to be shy about in hugging and showing someone that you care about them through hugs. How do you teach that? By giving out plenty of hugs naturally.

Hopefully that will keep my hug supply going for many more years to come and not only in toddlerhood or childhood.

I realise this year that our many parenting firsts do not end after baby’s first turning over, first crawl, first tooth, first walk etc. After that, we had first walk, first swim, first fall, etc etc. Along the way, we had first smile, first words, and many other firsts. We also had first holidays, first day in kindy, first concert, first test, first school trip without us, first …..

However, this year, we as parents had our many firsts instead. We went to the primary school to register our kid for the first time. We got to know other equally anxious parents doing their first registration too. We had our first school orientation… all in Mandarin as we sat there in awe not understanding a word.

Then we collected our kid’s first report card in primary school. We were nervous when she sat for her first school test, performed at her first piano concert and sat for her first piano exam recently. We were probably more nervous than her worrying that she would be nervous.

At first the firsts we truly enjoyable, the first smile, the first toddler, the first words… But as they grow, the firsts become more and more nerve racking for us. Time flies too and before we know it, we’ll be experiencing their first love, first boyfriend/girl friend, first job, first kid! Help!

Nevertheless, however nerve racking, we love them all. We love all the firsts and we don’t want to miss any firsts at all. We want to be the first to watch and experience the firsts with all our kids because we love them dearly. We wouldn’t miss any firsts, not for anything in the world.

We communicate via email sometimes. It may sound ridiculous but sometimes we email each other every day to “talk”. For us, email is a very effective and useful form of communication.

With young kids around and very little hours in a day where we get to see each other, we hardly have time to talk each day. And even if we do have time to talk, we’re always being interrupted during our conversation, either by kids or by the thousands of things that we need to do in our todo list.

During the weekdays, hubby leaves the house before we’re awake. He says goodbye to us individually and we all murmur back at him sleepily. Haha. When he gets home, its his turn to murmur back at us because he is usually either too tired or has more work to do. That was how it was before the girl went to Primary School. Now, its just a sleepy rush for everyone in the morning accept the little one who gets to sleep in a little longer each morning. With the kids around, that leaves zero communication hours each work week day. That leaves only the weekend and we’re always busy during the weekends as well, rushing around to do this errand and that.

So we find the email very useful. We email the things we want to say to each other before we forget to say them. Little mundane things or things that we want to update each other about. Sometimes hubby writes down those things in a little notebook to be talked about later but email is faster. We just write down whatever we want to say and the other spouse replies quickly in email then we discuss them in more detail when we do find the time to talk or we might reply in person instead of via email. Crazy? But it works for us and I’m happy to email the man about my day for him to read about in the evenings or early mornings otherwise I would probably forget to tell him all the little details by the time we manage to find the time to talk. ;)

This is my husband’s TV Dinner from yesterday.

So what is so special about this dinner? The vegetable!

I finally harvested my own homegrown vegetable after sticking the stems in the pot 6 months ago! Hahaha. Now I have to wait another 6 months before having another plate of these. Lol!

Thanks very much to Lian who inspired me to stick the stems in the pot.

My girl had school on Valentine’s Day so we had to wake up at 6.30am to get her ready and send her to school.  When I was tying her hair, hubby came up behind me and gave me a hug and a kiss and said “Happy Valentine’s Day Hon.” I like that.

Hubby sent my girl to school. I tried to go back to bed but couldn’t so I just cuddled the little one and watched him sleep. I like that.

When hubby got back, he wanted to have his Maggie Mee staple so I prepared some for him. He likes that. I gave some to the boy too. Bad mommy. Of course, I had some too. After that I spent some time counting the kids angpow money so we could bank it in for them. Wow! The angpow packets were really varied and in very nice designs. I must take a pic and post it up if I am not too lazy. We will leave a little bit of the angpow money for them to buy something small of their choice. They will like that.

When that was done, we had to go and make some payments here and there, we had some errands to run, wrote some cheques, did some filing etc. Then it was time to fetch the girl back from school. Since it was a Saturday, we all went to fetch her together. She likes that. The school was more relaxed too since it was a Saturday. They allowed us into the grounds and into the canteen. Normally, they either refuse to let us in or let us huddle together in a corner like sheep in a pen. Hahaha.

The boy was able to run about freely. He likes that. Hubby swung him around and around and they both looked happy. When they are happy, I am happy. I like to watch them together like this.

Then we took the girl to the mall for lunch and to browse at the bookshop. The kids had fish and chips. They like that. Hubby and I had Thai Pineapple Fried Rice. We like that. The maid got to enjoy the Pineapple Fried Rice too. She likes that. Oh oh. The lunch must have been bad, I had to rush home to the comfort of my own toilet. Haha. After that, I bathed the kids and sent them to bed. I badly needed a bath and a hairwash too but I was too tired so I went to sleep without my bath. It was quiet in the afternoon as the whole family napped.

When we woke up, I cooked a very simple dinner that the maid had helped me prepare. Then I told hubby “Happy Valentine’s Day. Sorry, I don’t have the energy to prepare anything special. Just do whatever you can, thats what you always tell me. Hehehe.”

So we had our simple dinner and everyone ate in front of the tv. Everyone likes that. We had CNY leftover F&N Orange and Coke with ice “because it was Valentine’s Day.” Then it was time for my girl to practise Piano for her ABRSM Piano Trial Exam and do some homework. I sat with her to practise piano while hubby taught the boy some math. Hubby has decided to become the kids’ math tuition teacher so he spends some time whenever he can teaching them math.

When my girl was doing her homework, I escaped to have my shower and hair washed at last! Then I dried my hair while guiding her with her homework. After that the kids had milk and doughnuts for supper. They like that.

Then it was off to bed for them. They looked sleepy and didn’t protest or try to join in when I went to snuggle with hubby to watch his favourite martial art movie that I had bought for him for his birthday recently. He likes that and I like to cuddle up.

Now, depending on how you see it, that can be a boring, just another nothing special type of Valentine Day or it can be a blissful Valentine’s Day, a perfect day filled with love.

My husband enjoys martial arts movies, you know the kind where men fly on tree tops, sleep on ice beds and fall off cliffs and still lives. Oh, the hero usually has a few girls hankering after him too. I always complain to my husband about that. Why can’t it be the other way?

So this year, for his birthday, I decided to buy him some martial arts dvds. Being a martial arts movie fan, he has a lot in his collection by now but he does not have those really old Shaw Brothers Kungfu Classics. For the previous two years, I bought him comics online so they have ceased to become an element of surprise.

I didn’t know how to buy dvds online. Most of the suppliers came from US and had expensive shipping charges. Finally I found one from HongKong which offered free shipping. Then I had to figure out the regions. We have to buy Region 3 dvds. Region 2 is for Japan and Region 1 is for the US. If you buy the wrong region, it won’t play on your player. You also have to check the system whether NTSC or PAL whatever that means. Haha. If I am not mistaken we use the NTSC system here but most dvd players are smart enough to play both something like that.

Finally, I found my supplier. I decided to order just one first for Christmas to try it out ie check out the quality etc. It arrived one day after Christmas. Oh dearie me. Worse still, it arrived on Saturday when hubby was around. When we came home he saw a box on the porch and asked what was that. Cheh! Spoilt half the fun. I had to tell him that that was his belated Christmas present. Hahaha.

Since the Christmas dvd took so long to arrive, more than a month, I could not wait to test it so I went ahead and ordered more for his birthday. Unfortunately the Christmas one was in Mandarin whereas the description had been Mandarin or Cantonese for languages. Haiyah! It was too troublesome to return it so I just wrote to them about my disappointment and asked them to check to make sure that the next batch is in Cantonese as well.

The new batch just arrived yesterday in the mail. Hehe. All in good time for his birthday early next month. I’m so busy this month, I don’t have time to shop for his present. Besides we shop together most of the time so I can’t surprise him. Buying online is the best but online shopping is really a bit dangerous. Its too easy! If you have Paypal, its even easier. A few clicks and you have parted with your money without even feeling it. Oops! So far, I have only shopped for books and dvds online. Better stop there before all the money in my Paypal disappears. Hahaha.

I bought 5 dvds in all. Will wrap them up into 3 different packages and get the kids to present one to him each. Hahaha. So easy hor.

Well, got to run to do some more spring cleaning now. Today, I will clear our clothes cupboards. I enjoy clearning clothes cupboard. However, setting time aside to do it is the trouble.

I am married to a man who loves to DIY around the house. If you put this man in a hardware store for example, he could spend hours browsing in it. I try to smile and listen to him when he is at the hardware store in the same manner that he smiles and nods his head at me when I go into the dressing room to try yet another outfit in the ladies department.

It is probably practical to have a DIY man around. These days its hard to get any electrician, plumber or whatever to come to your house. They will take a long time to come over then charge you a bomb for waiting. Sometimes they don’t even do a satisfactory job but they charge you a bomb anyway.

I will digress a bit here. I read in the book on the Five Love Languages that you must speak to your spouse in their love language. My man’s love language is “Acts of Service” and “Quality Time”. This simply means that he will be thrilled to bits and will feel lots of warmth and love whenever I do things for and together with him. This includes DIY things naturally.

I have to learn to become Mrs DIY otherwise my DIY man becomes very unhappy. He likes me to fix things together with him. Recently, I have added “electrician” as part of my Mrs DIY’s portfolio. I have fixed the plumbing: sinks and WCs, climbed up roofs to fix water tanks, repaired holes in the ceiling with putty, painted walls, fixed the flooring, and recently I learned how to change an electrical plug from two point to three point.

I sometimes sulk when interrupted halfway through reading my trashy women’s magazine to fix the toilet but I will do it anyway because it is his love language. I just hope he doesn’t get me a tool box like the one above for my birthday gift.

Anyone needs to fix anything in their house? My fees are very cheap. lol.

In my previous post, Henny commented that she got the following for a birthday present from her spouse.

….a mini electric tire inflator!! He said, when I go away so you could pump your car’s tire easily at home…My God!!

Hahaha. Well, Henny, I haven’t got an inflator before but I’ve got 4 brand new tyres so that I could drive safely outstation. And as I mentioned to you, once I got a juicer for Mother’s Day so I made juice for him on Father’s Day.

Once, I got shoes……luckily he took me for a daytrip to PD but it sure was painful to walk around the beach in my new shoes. Hahaha.

For me, some flowers, maybe a teddy bear for hugging and a card full of mushy words will mean more to me than any expensive household gadget. I’ll accept the mushy words card minus the flowers and bear too. Hehe. I’ve only got flowers twice. Twice in the 15 years since I’ve known him. Homemade card is even better but must contain mushy words. Hahaha. I’ve never received a homemade card before EVER. Its better than expensive household gadgets and a lot cheaper too, but at the moment, I may accept an oven because I want to learn to bake but I’m just dreaming of course because I have no space for an oven and the man thinks I have enough up my sleeves and has no time for baking so he certainly won’t be getting me one.

We’re practical. We don’t give each other anything on Valentine’s, our Anniversaries and Father’s or Mother’s Day (We’ll leave that one to the kids). Only birthdays sometimes. Even then, I don’t know what to get him each time his birthday comes around.

Tell me ladies, do you like to receive household gadgets as a birthday or other present? What is the most memorable funny gift your spouse has ever given you? Could  you also share what you  think was the best gift you gave your spouse?