Archive for the 'Marriage & Relationships' Category

Yesterday, I got the girl’s piano class time mixed up. I was trying to get her into the shower when *ding dong* the teacher had arrived. So I hurriedly pulled her back out and headed for the door.

After piano class, it was too late to bathe the kids so I sent them off to nap. It was rather late by then so they didn’t nap, after all. Then it was dinner time.

After dinner, I was doing some things for hubby and by the time I was done it was almost 9pm. I decided to bathe the kids and get them straight into their pyjamas since they missed their afternoon naps. Then I gave them their milk. (BTW, my late mum would probably have given me a good and proper scolding for bathing the kids after 7pm).

The room was in a total disarray. The bed was still unmade because I didn’t have time to do it after the kids had their “nap”. Toys and cards were everywhere. So I said ….”Children (much like the way, Maria from The Sound of Music would), remember  you said you wanted to play the memory matching game? Well, its rather late now, so if you still want to have the time to play a bit before we sleep, you have to help mummy pack ok? Mummy is going to have a bath now and going to wash your bottles. By the time, I’m up, I want to see all of these toys gone and the pillows and blankets put nicely in the right place. Remember to pick up the cards too so that we have all the cards we need to play the memory game.”

Then I went to have a shower. By the time I came out, the toys had disappeared! The bed was made, the pillows were where they should be, the bedspread was nicely pulled out. The bed looked very inviting. I wish I could jump into it. Haha.

How to Stay Sane Rule #1: Be innovative! Instead of yelling at the kids to pick up the toys and then swearing under your breath while  you make the bed. Give the kids a reason to pack up themselves. It’ll be done faster than you can do it yourself. Haha.

So I sat down and played the memory match game with the kids for a while. Then I remembered that I had forgotten to get them to brush their teeth during their shower. Normally, I get them to brush their teeth BEFORE they change into their pyjamas because they almost always get half their top and bottoms wet when they brush. You might think that getting the kids to brush their teeth is such and easy task but really, it can be quite stressful and time consumming. Haha.

How to stay Sane Rule #2: When you realise that you’ve messed up. Give yourself a break. Don’t sweat it. And so I sent the kids off to bed with their milk stained teeth. Pssst. I don’t always do this. Sometimes when I forget to get them to brush BEFORE changing into pyjamas, I would roll up their sleeves, then stand holding a towel between them and the sink to make sure they don’t get their pyjamas wet. Really siao!

Well, so we’re done and in bed reading 10 stories which they had picked. 5 each! Fortunately they were rather short stories. When we were almost ready to turn off the lights, I heard a voice. It said….

“Hon, you long time never massage my feet for me already hoh?”

The kids were happy to hear that as it means they can stay awake longer. So we all jumped into the bed in the adjoining room to wait for daddy to get ready for bed. After the massage and the tv watched daddy instead of the other way around, I took the kids to bed.

Soon enough, I heard soft heavy breathing from the two of them and then I stared into the darkened ceiling wide awake! I was sleepy before but after making sure everyone goes to sleep I can’t sleep anymore!

How to stay Sane Rule #3: When you can’t sleep, don’t sweat it. Think about your next blog post. And that my friend was how this blog post came into fruition. Hahaha. No, I was just kidding. When you can’t sleep, don’t think about your blog, its bound to keep you awake even more! So don’t blog in your head if you want to sleep.

In another unrelated incident, we were shopping when the boy suddenly announced that he had to poo. He said “No” when we asked him “Can you wait?” (Bad parents. Hehe.) So I had to trudge 2 floors down the department store to find a toilet. When I finally did, I decided to take him to a squatting toilet as I was worried that the sitting ones would be dirty. Well, the toilets weren’t child friendly. I had to squat down in front of him to support him because with his little jeans, he could barely stretch to open his legs to reach the sides.

Finally, we found a workable position, so there I was squatting and supporting him and holding a pile of tissue papers which I had retrieved from my handbag with one hand while holding him. And there he was looking up at me, smiling broadly and singing the Christmas songs that was playing in the background! “Aiyah, baby, don’t sing lah. Concentrate” to which he smiled even more and said “Singlah, mummy, sing.” And so I smiled back at him and sang. This is as good a moment of bonding as any, I suppose. (His father and sister were waiting impatiently at another level of the department store and here he was taking his own sweet time but I suppose you can’t really rush your poo. Hahaha.)

How to stay sane Rule #4: When in an unusual situation, don’t sweat it. Hum Christmas hymms instead. lol. (And as a mother of young kids, you are bound to be caught in lots and lots of unusual situations, you can be sure of that!). So stay cool. (Psssst. I’m not always cool. Quite often I raise my voice and throw a tantrum. Hahaha. So I must remember this rule myself.)

Well, after squatting there singing Christmas hymms for a while, I stood him up and pulled up his jeans. “But mummy, I not yet ummm mmmm.” he protested. “Nevermind, we try again next door.” And we tried the sitting WC in the next cubicle because he wasn’t used to squatting. One more Chrismas song and we were done. Hahaha. Cursing under my breath and asking him to hurry up is not going to make the poo come out any sooner so might as well sing instead. lol!

How to stay Sane Rule #5: Ask your maid to do it. Well, thats what I’ve been told but sorry, this is NOT ONE OF MY STAYING SANE RULES.

For example, where was my maid when I was squatting down in the toilet with the kid? She was right outside the toilet door chatting with the toilet janitor who was also and Indonesian. I told her to wait for us outside. Some friends think I am “crazy”. “Why don’t you ask your maid to do it?” However, I strongly believe that all this moments in parenting, the good and the not so fun is what makes you bond with your child, so I prefer to do it on my own.

I remember my friends commented to me that “Wuah, now you got maid, you free already lah. When you eat outside you can eat without being disturbed as your maid can help you feed the kids.” However, whenever we eat out, I continue to stuff myself and the kids all at the same time like I used to do, while the maid enjoys her meal uninterrupted. When I told them that feeding the kids should be the mother’s job they think I am quite mad.

Well, taking care of young kids can really drive you mad. This is how I sometimes stay sane. (accept for Rule #5 which is my exception to the rules.) How do you stay sane?

I came across this advice from this dad when I was surfing the net recently. It says “Spend time with your kids before its too late.”  This is exactly my spouse and my sentiments exactly.

I agree totally with this part of the article which reads….

The best time to spend with your children is in the first 10-12 years of their lives.  As teenagers, they begin to distance themselves from you, so make the most of it when they are young, when they want to hug, sit on your knee and love every minute of your company.  (Teenagers, I believe, are less inclined to participate in these fantastic things!).

The author goes on to say that careers can wait. Of course not everyone can afford to take time off work like what he has done because we still need to provide for our families and plan our finances for their education and future.

However, I do think that while the kids are young, parents (not just dads) should try not to work so long hours, travel less, not go for that company trip etc. Of course there is a price to pay for this but its worth it to get to know the kids and bond with them when they are young. They grow up really fast and before you know it, you will have missed out on these wonderful early years.

I have written down all the ways that my kids dad spend time with the kids so that they can remember it in the future. The post:  “When daddy is left alone with the kids” is on my Parenting Times blog. Perhaps, all you other mommy bloggers out there would like to do so too?

When choosing a husband, don’t choose one who has a fantastic mom or one who has a mom who does everything for him.

For example, my nephew who has just gone overseas to pursue his studies found that he now has to learn how to make instand noodles and he doesn’t know how to use a washing machine to wash his clothes because his mom has always been there to do these simple tasks for him.

“You’re spoiling him.” I told my sister. “I pity the poor girl who is going to marry him.” Haha. I was just teasing her of course but its true to a certain extent.

In a similar vein, my husband who was not very close to his mom still finds her care better than mine. He often laments that I do not know how to care for his food like washing them properly (like his mom) and making sure he gets his fruits and taking care not to put too much sugar into his food etc. (The fact that he eats biscuits after every meal is besides the point.) He tells me that his mom told him that you should not take watermelon because the seeds are no good (so he hates it when I give him watermelons).  He tells me to get rid of the sprouts from the potatoes because his mom told him they’re bad. She’s right of course and I do get rid of them but he’d still remind me anyway because his mom told him. Beware moms. Your words will stay with your kids a whole lifetime. Lol.

So when he was down with the same bad cough as I am, he moaned and groaned and said “At least when my mom was alive, there was somone to care for me when I am sick. Now……” Aiyoyo! So of course I ignored him for the entire evening afterwards. Hahaha. To which he moaned and groaned some more the next day about how no one came to make sure he was alright while he was resting with a bad headache with fever while his wife just played with the kids. l0l. Next time don’t make such statements then you will have someone to fuss over you loh. Men! They’re such babies when they are sick.

I have the same bad cough and you don’t see me complaining as much and I have no one to “take care” of me as well when I am sick. When I cough, I have to hold on to my sides or bend over in a certain manner because otherwise my caesarean wounds or something lose inside hurts like crazy. I also have to do some quick kegel exercises when I cough or else I will leak since I have slight incontinence after the babies. That means, when I cough or laugh hard, I also have to hold on hard down there lah. Despite all this, I still have to take care of the two young kids so I can’t complain.

Well, he may be right that I do not know much about all those secret hand me downs recipes for ailments and good health. See, I even have to write a blog post to ask for help on what to do about a cough. (Thank you very much to all those who responded.) Anyway, my mom passed away young, so whatever knowledge that could have been passed down to me ended there so you can’t blame me. I told him.

I know its too late for most of the readers of this blog to choose a husband because you’ve already got one. So is your husband a “mommy’s boy”? Do you get compared in terms of cooking and doing some other stuff etc? Do you have to “compete” with MIL? Share share? We can rant together about our men here and let the rest of the men out there learn a thing or two about how to treat their wives. Lol!

Why are you a SAHM, WAHM, FTWM etc? Is it what you want?

I am a SAHM because it is what I want. I love it that the only thing I need to think about before I go to sleep each night is what to cook the next day. Yes, I am that shallow! Hahaha. I don’t have to worry about the first thing in the morning meeting or flight, or worry that the bus that I hired won’t turn up on time for my 30 training participants, or practise that talk I have to make the next day or spend a sleepless night because the market is down 100 points again. Nosiree! Thinking about what to cook the next day is much much better. It gives me more focus when I am reading and chatting to my kids at bedtime. I am not distracted by my own work stresses.

I am happy to be around for my kids when they need me. It is a pleasure to greet them when they come home from school. It is a pleasure to feed, bathe and nap with them. It is good to be able to help them with their schoolwork etc.

Some people tell me, but you’re lucky that you can afford it. Thats not true. If I were working, we’d probably have a higher standard of living. However I don’t think about the bigger house we could be living in or the better cars that we could be driving or the many other things that we will be able to afford with more money because it is my choice and I am happy with my choice. 

I know many SAHMs who are unhappy because it is not what THEY wanted. Its what their spouse or family wants. There are also FTWMs who are unhappy because it is not what THEY want. Its because of circumstance.

On the other hand I also know people who are FTWM because its what THEY wanted. Its not because of the money, they tell me. “If I had to stay at home the whole day like you, I’d go mad!” they say. Well, in that case they had better stay FTWM but they should not complain about the stresses of being one then because its what THEY wanted. I know many FTWM who have very full schedules but still manage to have very close relationships with their kids and they don’t complain about how stressful it is juggling a job and a family because it is what THEY want.

What we want must also match what our spouse wants. I believe that at first my spouse would probably prefer it if I worked. Nevertheless, he says that he will support me in my choice and despite his earlier preference, I think he is now secretly happy that he has me at home taking care of the kids this closely. We don’t have to worry about one of us having to take time off work when the kids are sick or having to make alternative arrangements for transport etc because I am always available. He is happy that I have the time to look after the kids and can coach and teach them myself instead of sending them to some after school care centers that seem to have sprouted out everywhere due to the demand for it.

I just hope that for most of us, we are where we are because it is what we want instead of it being due to circumstances or being forced upon us. Because we can only become happy and better mums if we are happy individuals.

Tell me blogger mommies, are  you happy with where you are now? Is your spouse happy about it?

I love food. I love trying out new foods. I think how we view food is in a way related to our upbringing a little.

I think my love affair with food began from young. Mum died early so it was just Dad and us. Dad showed his love to me with food. He was a policeman. When he came back home from late night duty, he would bring home special foods for supper for me. I would wait for him to come home eagerly. Sometimes he took me out to places to try new foods.

Later on, as a single working adult, I continued going out to try new foods with my friends. I continued to eat out often with Dad too.

Hubby on the other hand is not adventurous with food. As a single working adult he would often takeaway fast foods and eat those. He would have TV dinners ie eat his takeaway food in front of the TV. (Thats my own definition for TV dinners). When he finds a type of food he likes, he would eat it often, like every other day.  According to him, he has no time to think about food so he just eats what he likes often. This makes it easy for me. Since he has such an easy to please palate, all I need to do is cook his favourite food everyday. Haha.

Earlier on in our relationship, we had a lot of food related arguments because of the way we are so different in our love for food. However, now we have sort of gravitated towards each other in a good food way. He has come to be a little bit more adventurous now and I don’t mind having repeat TV dinners.

What about you? Do you eat to live or do you live to eat?

Birthdays are worth remembering so I’ll record down what we did on the day. I woke up around 4am with an unpleasant dream and couldn’t go back to sleep for 1 1/2 hours. When I finally did, the unpleasant dream continued. Hmm… didn’t like that one bit.

After that I woke up and fixed breakfast for everybody while daddy woke up and did some work around the house. And thats how my birthday and his Father’s Day started. With business as usual.

After breakfast, we decided to take the kids to the movies for the first time. The line was so long like a snake. We hadn’t gone to a cinema in 10 years so we were totally lost. How many tickets to buy? Do the little ones need tickets? What showtimes? Which seats? Where to buy? etc. Hahaha. But we survived it.

Finally we bought the tickets. We only managed to get tickets for the 2.30pm show for seats on the 3rd row from the front. So we went shopping and had lunch first. After the movie we went shopping some more for daddy’s present to mummy. The kids wanted to get me presents too. “Mummy, I want to buy you a present. I want to buy you a pink flower.” my girl said to me. Hmm….so how did I resolve that? “Go and ask your daddy” I said. Hahaha. And so that is how, I got two flowers nicely wrapped and presented to me by the kids and paid by daddy who had not bought me any flowers in years. Only once in all this time that I have known him. And that was the time when he was tring to get to know me. After that no more flowers from the man. Hahaha. “Can I have the flower back after I give it to you?” asked the boy. Hmm…..

Then we went to the cake shop to buy a sinful banana chocolate cake and we went home to fix a broken light in the house, went straight out again for dinner before coming home to continue fixing the lights. By the time we sang the birthday song and ate the cake it was 9.30pm! The kids then presented me with the flowers and a banner that the girl had drawn for me. Hehe. Before that the kids kept on grumbling. “How come mummy’s birthday hasn’t started?” To them a birthday officially starts only and until you sing the birthday song and cut the cake and open the presents.

Before we went to bed, we put the flowers in two vases, one for each of them and they fought over where to put their own vases. (Hey, I thought the flowers were for me!) They wanted to know how long it would stay beautiful. When I told them that it would probably last about a week because flowers need sunlight, water and food (a lesson in Science) they were sad. Hmm… maybe we should have bought artificial flowers. I noticed that the artificial carnations look like the real thing when I was choosing my roses, pink for the girl and yellow for the boy just because those are their favourtite colours.

 

What a long day. We went out at about 10.30am and only called it a day at 10.00pm skipping the children’s naps. The children were tired but happy (a little hyper and cranky towards the end of the day but still happy) and so was mummy. Only….., daddy didn’t get his Father’s Day massage from the whole family because we were all so busy. He had to work very hard ferrying his family around and paying for meals and fixing the house lights. Poor daddy. “Its ok” he said “Thats what Father’s do.” And thats why the kids and I love him. Oh and he’ll get his massage as he always does, not only on Father’s Day.

“I’m stuck all day in the house with the kids. There is no adult conversation. Only whining. I have no time for me. There is so much to do. I feel so tired from it all, day in and day out. Its the same everyday. Taking care of little kids 24/7 is really tiring. They are so demanding. In the evenings I have another kid to take care of. I feel so overwhelmed. So tired.  I wish my spouse could help out but he is so tired after work he usually falls asleep right after dinner! So I have to carry on even though I am tired too.”

 “I’m so lucky to spend so much time with my kids. Its really great to be with them when they wake up, during mealtimes, when they get back from school. Its fantastic to be able to be there for them, to play with them and listen to them. Sometimes they have so much energy, much more than me! The kids and I look forward to when their dad gets home. I miss him all day so its nice to pamper him at the end of the day too.  I am happy that I can be so close to my kids. I am happy to have a wonderful supportive spouse who tries to help out even though he is so tired most days he will sleep right after dinner.”

They’re both me. Hehe. So which do I choose to be? The second more positive person of course. The only time when I revert to the negative person is when I am mad (so one should always try to control one’s anger - then I get into a negative downward spiral and the thoughts spin and spin downwards negatively). The other time when I think negatively is when I don’t take care of myself enough. So I always try to take care of myself first. Then and only then will I be able to take care of others. When I feel deprived (of anything, whether its time or whatever) thats when I get caught by the downward negative spiral again.

So postive or negative? Its up to me. And I choose Positive. What about you?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways

You make me laugh through most of our days,
That is surely one of the best ways,

I love the way you appreciate small things in life
I am very lucky to be your wife,

I love the way you are positive about everything
To tide us through all that life may bring,

I love that you are such a special father
And the way you bring our family together,

I love the way you take care of us
It saves me from a lot of stress,

I love the way you organize our stuff
It certainly helps when the going gets tough,

I love the way you share things with me
Even though I may sometimes disagree,

I love the way you put up with my forgetfulness
You are surely my other half with your decisiveness,

I love that you help me with the grocery shopping
How you turn it into our family day is so adoring,

I love you for making my dreams come true
I think of that each time I sit on my piano stool,

My dear this is the 7th year of our marriage
I hope that we can be together as we age.

Its all Disney’s fault really. Why just take a look at this video.

From young, we girls have been bombarded with images of love and romance in stories, movies etc. And thats how when we enter adulthood we all have this romantic notion that some handsome prince or knight in shining armour will come and sweep us off our feet and gallop off into the sunset with us. And oh, we musn’t forget that all romantic kiss must we. *Muaks Muaks* then ride off into the sunset.

Only, in real life, after you ride off into the sunset, you wake up beside the most unromantic man on earth who is too shy to say “I Love You” (The “I Love Yous” are freely said only in the movies) and you fight over everything from who should handle baby’s poo or throw out the rubbish to what to eat or how you should arrange the furniture (can you tell I’m still mad at him for putting the telephone table at the side instead of between my two armchairs? Hahaha).

Oklah, Oklah, I may be married to the most unromantic and practical man in the world who doesn’t say “I Love You” or sends flowers etc etc but he’s still my knight in shining armour, my prince charming. Hehehe. Because no matter what, even with the grind of daily routine, I can’t help it. I’m a hopeless romantic and I still believe in love and magic and Prince Charming because its too deeply instilled within me.

What about you? Are you a hopeless romantic?

Updated:

Moomykin has suggested some romantic ways to spice up your marriage. You should read her post and try out some of her suggestions and then report what happened on your blog. ie whether he reciprocrated or remained a block of wood. Lol!

I received an email that suggested that as wives you should try to find out what you and your husband have in common, then you go and plan some activities or whatever around those things you have in common whether its food, music or whatever and this ought to make the man happy.

So that got me thinking…. Now what do I and my man have in common? I started with the basics.

• Food - I like to try new things. He likes the same ole, same ole.. (But he is getting more adventurous lately. Yippee!)
• Music - I like slow sentimental music. He says those put him to sleep. He likes music with some more beat and oomph and life to it. When I play my slow sentimental music he would ask “What kind of music is that/are you listening to??!” incredulously.
• Sleep - I’m a night owl. He’s an early bird. Need I say more?
• Hobbies - I like to blog. He doesn’t know what is a blog….. previously. Now, he knows but he just doesn’t care about blogging nor have the time or interest to.
• Books - He reads all sorts of finance and investment books that puts me to sleep. Yaaawwwn! I read silly magazines that make him shake his head on why I read that trash. His other love is comics. I’ve started to read them too because they’re light reading, a bit like my trashy mags.
• Aiyoh! I better stop here. We are so different!

Looks like opposites do attract. So what shall I do now? The article did not suggest what to do when you can’t find things in common. Lol! So what about you? Are you and your man opposites or peas in a pod?