Archive for the 'Marriage & Relationships' Category

When I was young, we lived in the police barracks for a time. I don’t remember much of it because I was only about 4-5. I have some black and white pictures to aid the memory but I also bits and pieces here and there. I remember that the houses were in a circle with a field in the middle. I remember my sister slept on a box because we didn’t have enough beds. I remember being teased with the boy from the opposite house across the field. The boy who was called “ayam”. Oh how I hated that. I remember mum used to play her record and I would dance and dance around the house, once for some visitors, much to my delight.

One other thing I remember was my neighbour. Each evening, when he gets home, his kids would chant happily “Abah balik! Abah balik!” (Daddy’s home). They were obviously happy to see him and how happy he must have been to be greeted in this manner. As a parent now, I realise that it would be the highlight of my day to come back from a tiring day at work and be greeted by happy kids like that. It would surely make some if not all the stresses go away.

For a long time, hubby did not get this treatment from us. When the kids were at kindy, he would leave the house while we were all sleeping. No one got up to say goodbye to him. When he got home, most days we would all still be napping (yes, the kids napped till very late evening previously), so he would let himself in. Now that the kids are in primary school, he takes them to school in the morning so he wakes us all up (since he is the morning person) and we turn our backs on him sleepily, cover our faces with a pillow and try to go back to sleep but at least the house is noisy and alive after that.

If he is home late, we would sometimes be eating without him and he would ask “never wait for me ah”. Everyone would be busy eating and talking at the table, no one takes any notice of him when he comes in the door and he would say “how come no one comes to say hello to me?” Haha. Now that I bother to write this down, I realise that his coming home from work isn’t anything at all like that of my neighbour from years ago.

So I decided that in the evenings, we would all go to the door to smile, say hello and greet him when he gets home. So thats what we did for the past two days. The first day he said “why is everyone smiling?”. The second day he said “I saw the light on upstairs. How come you’re here?”

“We came to greet you.” I said. The little one held out a drawing he had just finished and showed it to him. The elder one had left a note for him on  his table, something about “daddy, can you give me money to buy flowers for mummy for Mother’s Day.” so she was eager to see him too. He isn’t used to it yet but I hope to keep it up, teach the kids to stop what they are doing and go to open the door for daddy and welcome him home. It would certainly be nice for daddy and the kids. It doesn’t take very much effort for me to do at all since I have a helper who helps me with the cooking. After my helper leaves next year, I could still do it if I time my work properly or perhaps the kids would have gotten into a  habit by then. I hope to keep it up and that is what this post is for. To remind me to make that commitment to do so. It is such a small thing that I can do for my spouse and my kids but it will be good for them and I  hope it makes them happy. Being able to do this makes me happy.

Recently we celebrated second sister’s 50th birhtday. 2nd sister is petite. She looks far from fifty. Lucky girl. Anyway, we started talking about birthday and birthday presents which made me remember my own birthday presents from hubby.

My husband likes only chocolate cake. I like some variety. Well, we are different as night and day as I have mentioned. He also claims that he does not know how to buy a cake. So usually on my birthday, he will drive me to the cake shop to buy……. a chocolate cake. One year, I was sulking away and grumbling. “Its my birthday, why should I buy the cake and I can’t even choose the cake I want. It has to be chocolate cake?” So I was having a black face and unhappy the whole morning. Worse still, he was rushing as we walk along as he usually does. He often walks in front of me while I have to half run half walk to catch up with him (previously) and with him and the kids (now). My face was blacker than ever.

Finally we went home and I found out the reason for the rush. A lorry drove up and reverse into the porch and there stood my birthday present, a piano to fulfill the dream that I had always wanted ie to play the piano. My face turned from black to red. Haha. How embarrassing to complain about a cake when there stood my dream.  That was a lesson in itself. A lesson not to look at small annoyances but to appreciate the  bigger picture. He was rushing so that we could make it home on time for the delivery, my birthday surprise. To him, it didn’t matter what flavour the cake was, he was more excited about the surprise he had planned. Oops!

Anyway, I always tease him and tell him that the present is not for me. It is for the kids to learn piano so it was disguised as a present for me. A few years later, I asked for an electronic dictionary for my birthday present. So that I can teach the kids. Again it was a present for the kids but disguised as a present for me.

Hmmm…… I was thinking that this year, I may ask him to get me an ipad 2. A present for the kids but disguised as one for me. That way, I will have better control of it. “Stop playing. That is mummy’s present!”  Then I can play with it as well.

My spouse and I are opposites. We have very different personalities right down to our sleep wake cycles.

• He is an early bird. I am a night owl.
• He is more positive. I am more negative.
• I am more adventurous about food. He likes to eat the same thing over and over again.
• He is organised and neat. I am messy and blur.
• He is more extrovert. I am more introvert.
• He is a doer and goal oriented. I am a dreamer and drift along.
• He is decisive. I am laid back and indecisive.
• He makes conversation with people easily. I am quiet and reserved.
• He talks and walks fast. I speak softly and walk slowly.
• He is not afraid to take a chance. I would choose the path of least resistance.
• He is level headed and practical. I am impulsive.
• He loves routine. I like to try new things.
• He prefers doing things to a fixed schedule. I am spontaneous.
• He likes to listen to fast music. I prefer slow, relaxing stuff.
• He loves to think and analyse and plan ahead. I don’t like to analyse and I live from day to day.
• He is a joker. I am more serious.
• Even our love languages are different. For him, it is Quality Time and Acts of Service. For me it is Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.

We are clearly very different. It is no wonder that we sometimes do not understand each other. He views and interacts with the world in a very different way from me. Sometimes our different views and opinions, cause us a lot of strain and tension. We find that we can’t agree on things with our very different styles. That makes us rehash the same arguments over and over again through the years.

Though different in temperament and thought processes, we do have similar values though and we share the same believes on how we should bring up our children. (though the manner in which we bring up the children may vary slightly but the overall believe and value is the same). Family is important to us and we both prefer to stay in then to go out partying with friends, we are not very sociable beings, though that is how we met each other. We met at a pub.

When things are going well, we get along harmoniously because we complement and complete each other. His area of strengths overcome my shortcomings and I am strong in areas he is not.

However during times of stress or periods of difficult challenges, that is when our different sytles and personalities show up big time. That is when I feel our differences the most. The saying “sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug” comes to mind.

The challenge of our marriage is how to complement each other, respect and appreciate each other more and communicate better. Right. Now writing that down helps me to remember and understand my spouse better. I do know him very well indeed. I understand myself pretty well as well. Self awareness is very important too. If I want my relationship to work, then I must understand myself and my spouse. We may be different but “I’m ok. You’re ok.”

Now, the next step is to make an effort to support him. There is no such thing as an effortless relationship. Love is work. We have to work hard to make our marriage work. One way is to know my own faults and try to correct them. One way is to work on me and hopefully everything else will fall into place.

Instead of focusing on the differences, I should focus on the positives.

He is my best friend and he makes me laugh. He is a wonderful father and  he looks after us, his family very well.

I don’t always write about my spouse. Most of the time I write about my children. That is because I feel a marriage relationship is more private and should not be aired on the blog. So I reduce it to the occassional rant and for special occassions like our anniversary. However, today, I am writing this to help me analyse and understand our relationship better so that I can become a better spouse.

Learning to get along with your spouse is crucial. Your spouse will be with you for life (hopefully) and was there even before the kids, whereas your children will grow up and have lives of their own one day so if your spouse is second to your children, you will feel a great loss when they leave the nest. “Till death do us part.” So today instead of writing about parenting as I usually do, I dedicate a whole long winded post to love, marriage and relationships.

Which are you? Opposites Attract or Birds of a Feather Flock Together.

This year for hubby’s birthday, he was on leave. His birthday is near Chinese New Year as it always is. However this year, something was different. This year, the kids were both at school in the morning. Hurrah!

So we had 2-3 hours to ourselves to “paktor” just like the old times. We went to “jalan-jalan” and held hands like we did in our 20s and 30s but here we are now both in our 40s.

Quite often when we are with the kids, we have no time to hold hands because either one of us would be holding one or two pairs of little hands.

We don’t have anyone we can rely on to babysit for a few hours so it is unrealistic for us to go for the suggested “date nights” that one is “supposed to go on” to keep your relationship with your spouse alive instead of concentrating on family and talk about babies and children all the time.

Now that the kids are old enough to be in school we can have stolen moments again. 

I often see my neighbours having stolen moments after their 3 kids are in school. They would walk out together for breakfast holding hands.

So, to parents of very young babies and toddlers who never seem to have the time, be patient, you will find time again for each other once the kids grow up and they grow up so very fast.

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly.  ~Peter De Vries

My spouse does not speak to me nicely. At least, that is what my daughter says. Hahaha. Yesterday, the kids wanted to pick some books to buy from a brochure. I told them that I will have to ask daddy for them first.

“No, let us ask.” the girl said. If we ask, daddy will tell us nicely. “No, you have too many books already…..” etc (she said in a gentle, patient voice) but if you ask…. daddy will grrrrr grrrrr growl growl. (makes imitation of how someone would sound like if replying in an irrate manner.)

She then went on to give her own assumption as to why daddy speaks like that to mummy. “Maybe it is because you have been speaking to him for too many years. We speak to him for only a few years.” Hahaha.

I just had to tell him what the girl said and we both had a good laugh about it.

So, what do you think? Does familiarity breed contempt? Have you forgotten how to speak to your spouse nicely? For the record, actually the spouse does speak to me nicely. He is also very polite and often thanks me, even if I am just bringing him a cup of water. Do you thank your spouse for little things? However, he does sometimes grunt and grumble a little when he is under stress or has a lot of things on his mind. Who doesn’t?

I reminded the kids that they can ask him but they must pick the right time to speak to him. They must ask him when he is free and not when he is in the middle of something. Similarly, when speaking to our spouse, I think we must pick the right time to speak, especially if it is to discuss some important issue. Otherwise, we will end up being growled at and we will be snarling back. lol.