Archive for the 'Parenting' Category

Yesterday, we “celebrated” Father’s Day and my birthday (belatedly). We kicked off the celebration with mummy going out to buy breakfast, as usual, on a Sunday. On the way out, I discovered that there was dog poop right outside my gate (again) for the 4th time! At the exact same place. Great! Smart dog, Dumb owner. The dog is smart enough to find the exact same place to poop but the owner is ……. I can’t find the word to express my disgust. I have a mind to collect all the poop and throw it back into his/her house and see how he/she likes it. Oh well, I wouldn’t do that but the thought did cross my mind and you can’t blame me. Once, we accidentally ran over it (can’t help it when it is right outside your gate!) and the whole porch and our car tyres reeked with the smell, not to mention we had a hard time cleaning it out. Yuck!

After breakfast, the kids had to do a last minute piano practise as they were having piano trial test. Then daddy had to rush out to meet the electrician. Then mummy had to rush out with the kids to the piano school. The kids asked me why I was so busy on my “birthday”. Yes, and daddy too on Father’s Day.

After piano tests, we rushed off to see “Green Lantern”. Then we had McDonald’s for lunch. Then we bought a cake for mummy. Came home and mummy helped the kids with homework. Then we ate the cake. More homework. Went out for dinner. Then it was time for bed and the day was over.

Mummy didn’t have any present. Not even one from anyone, not from daddy or her sisters, not even an angpow from kong kong who had forgotten. So the kid’s hastily put together something just before eating the cake. The girl folded an origami bird and gave it to mummy while the boy got a rough piece of paper, poured glue all over it and pasted them together to make a tiny little card in which he attached a little plastic coconut tree that came with another cake from another person’s birthday which he had given to mummy once because he didn’t want it but mummy gave it back to him and now he gave it back to mummy. Finally, after the kids had gone to bed, mummy pampered daddy with foot massage which is just like any other day unless mummy is very sleepy.

Well, that was it. That was our double “celebration”. Daddy had to pay for everything even though it was Father’s Day and mummy had wanted to get the kids to make something for him but they didn’t have the time. But we didn’t mind. We went for a movie with them and ate what they liked to eat because at the end of the day, what really makes us happy is seeing the kids happy.

During the courting stage, couples seldom discuss about their parenting styles. Even if they do, it may not necessarily turn out that way because parenting styles is learned along the way. You may say that you want to be this and that kind of parent but after the kids come along, you will grow and change as a parent. So, what do you do when parenting styles differ? Err…. actually I don’t know and I would be most grateful if anyone could give me a good piece of advice.

I am fortunate in that most of the time my spouse and my parenting styles do not differ very much. We have the same values though we are very different. However, at times we have our differences too. For example, exams. Yes, exams. Whooooaa! That word can create a lot of tension in homes. I really don’t know what to do about parents who scold their child who scores over 90 for their papers. I want to whack them on their heads. But what to do when that parent is your spouse? I really have no idea.

My spouse scolded my girl for scoring 90 for her Math paper. Ok. To be very fair, he does not expect for her to get 100 in every paper. However, he had spent a lot of time teaching her Math (he teaches her Math while I handle other subjects including the Chinese part in Math) so he was disappointed when she made many careless mistakes because he knew that she was capable of doing better. I suppose that is fair enough.  He is also a good father to spend many hours teaching them.

What I did not agree with is the way he scolded her. “How come you only got 90 for your Math! That is shocking!” and then he went on to scold her about her carelessness reducing her to tears. Naturally,  mummy got a scolding as well. “You are too stubborn. You never make her practise past year papers in an exam environment. You never made sure she has enough practise for those kinds of questions that came out.” I tried to tell him that his demeanor was all wrong (to me at least) but he got even madder saying that as usual I did not support him in anything he did. Now that got me mad so I told him that he should go and play badminton with his friends tomorrow evening (Its our 10th wedding anniversary) as he had earlier asked if he should go. Of course asking him to go then and play badminton with his friends has got nothing to do with kids exams! Women are sometimes crazy like that or is it just me?

I digress. Back to exams. I still think that the kids should be praised and that he had spoiled everyone’s evening with his scolding. Everyone was looking forward to a relaxing evening for the first time after exams. The kids had worked so hard and they both did really well, scoring above 90 for every paper. It is the boy’s first time doing tests and he didn’t acknowledge or praise him for getting 100, 99.5, 98 for some of his papers. He was too busy scolding the girl. Apart from her Math, she scored mostly above 95 for her other papers but that was dimmed because of Math. Again I must emphasize that it was not because of the marks itself or because she failed to get 100 but because of the carelessness. Of course she also got scolded because she got penalised for forgetting to write her name on her Science paper. (but that one I agree). I had seen the girl looking forlorn and sad when she had over 90 during an earlier test before. I thought that was all wrong. She should be happy but she was sad and unhappy because she was afraid daddy would scold her. I tried to tell him that but he wouldn’t listen. I worry that he will place undue pressure on the kids to perform as there is no room for carelessness. I agree that kids should be taught not to be careless but zero tolerance for carelessness is scary to me.

He says that the kids should learn from  young that results counts whereas to me results aren’t the only thing that count in life. I guess we are all a product of our upbringing. Husband had strict parents. I had a mum who died early and a dad who was too busy trying to work and take care of 5 kids at the same time that I was left pretty much on my own. I studied on my own accord. I didn’t do all that well but I wasn’t all that bad either.

I think the kids had worked really hard and a positive word of praise and a hug should be given instead of scolding. Something like a hug and “Wow. You both did really well in your tests. I know you both worked really hard. That is good but look here, you made quite a lot of careless mistakes in this paper. Lets see what went wrong and learn from that mistake shall we.”

So what do  you do when you have differences of opinion like that?

When I was young, and we had to fill out the “ambition card” or the “what do you want to be when you are an adult” card in school, I never ever wanted to become a teacher. I thought that it was the most boring job on this earth. So naturally, I never became a teacher. However, I am a teacher to my kids, well, sort of a tuition teacher to teach them. And the funny thing is I find it so interesting to teach.

I love looking for teaching resources online. I love to go to the bookshop to find that perfect book to aid in my teaching. When I find a good but cheap book that is just perfect to complement my teaching, I would feel really happy. There are many workbooks available these days. It is so competitive. Everyone wants to buy workbooks for their children. It is a crazy thing really, me inclusive.

Popular bookstore has a whole range of workbooks but I usually just stick to the tried and tested publishers. There will be very many others, some of which are too difficult or too easy. I find that if a book is too difficult then it kills the interest of the child because it makes them disheartened while if it is too easy, there is no point in doing them. It merely takes up more time in their already tight schedules.

So, I was searching for that perfect book this weekend as I usually like to do but this weekend was different. It is exam week. I was also not in Popular but at MPH where the variety of workbooks are much less. Std 1-6 for SJKC kids all on the same shelf. So there I was squeezed in between all these gungho parents, both mums and dads in equal numbers. Then there was this mum who picked out books for her child who was standing nearby. She showed him the books and asked them whether those were the ones he needed and he nodded absentmindedly…. all the while….. playing his handheld playstation.

Two things strike my mind. 1. I think handheld gadgets ought to be banned! 2.I think parents these days are doing too much for their kids.

This Sunday is Mother’s Day but I am not having Mother’s Day fever. What I have is Exam Fever. I think that other Mother’s with school going kids are having this fever too as the kids start to prepare for their first semester school exams.

I won’t be going out for a slow many course lunch or dinner. Instead I will be helping the kids prepare for their school course work. When you have kids, meals are often rushed and harried anyway. I would certainly like to sit down and eat a course by course meal, just for the sake of eating slowly and enjoying a meal in its entirety but………

Oh, that reminds me. The other day, I was at Ikea. As usual, I was the last to eat. After queueing up for the food, setting the table and making sure we had the cutlery and organising who ate what etc. By the time everyone had finished their meal, I was just halfway into mine. I had just torn off my chicken wings into two when suddenly I was surrounded by “vultures”. There were about 4 or 5 of them. All ready to pounce on my table. I had to quickly devour my chicken wings to make way for the “vultures” who were waiting for my table. I don’t blame them. I have been such a “vulture” myself at times. Still, the chicken wings didn’t taste as good when devoured instead of savoured.

Now, you know why I wish to enjoy a course by course meal….. I am so deprived of enjoying a meal I like as opposed to what the family likes, in slow time as opposed to in fast motion that this morning, I dreamed of savouring a nice hot bowl of pigs trotters with black vinegar and ginger. Yes, I dreamed of food in my sleep!

Back to exam fever. My fever is very high this weekend.  For the first time, I will be coaching two kids on their revision instead of one kid. Oh oh oh. what a fever that gives me. That is Chinese, Malay, English, Science and Maths plus Moral, Computer etc x 2! *faints* In Chinese! *faints again* So much to go through, so little time!

Some facts from MG:

Did you know that the seasonal test virus called the “exam fever” is caused by approaching school exams. The incubation period  is usually one or two weeks from the time the test syllabus and timetable is given out. Its symptoms include headache, your voice will also become coarser as you will feel like shouting when you have this virus. You will feel irritable and experience fatique. You may also lose hair if you succumb to the inclination towards hair pulling during this time. It is quite contagious. It usually spreads from teacher to student to parent. You will not have immunity against this virus. You can have it again and again during each new exam season. There is no treatment. You will just have to let the exam fever run its course. It will usually go away quite abruptly with all symptoms gone upon completion of the school tests. Though there is no medical treatment, you can try some alternative treatment like taking a warm bath, having cool teas, deep breathing or walking away when you feel like shouting or tearing  your hair out. Exercise, good nutrition and proper sleep is good too during this period.

Well then, good luck to all those who are having the exam fever this weekend and Happy Mother’s Day to the others.

When I was young, we lived in the police barracks for a time. I don’t remember much of it because I was only about 4-5. I have some black and white pictures to aid the memory but I also bits and pieces here and there. I remember that the houses were in a circle with a field in the middle. I remember my sister slept on a box because we didn’t have enough beds. I remember being teased with the boy from the opposite house across the field. The boy who was called “ayam”. Oh how I hated that. I remember mum used to play her record and I would dance and dance around the house, once for some visitors, much to my delight.

One other thing I remember was my neighbour. Each evening, when he gets home, his kids would chant happily “Abah balik! Abah balik!” (Daddy’s home). They were obviously happy to see him and how happy he must have been to be greeted in this manner. As a parent now, I realise that it would be the highlight of my day to come back from a tiring day at work and be greeted by happy kids like that. It would surely make some if not all the stresses go away.

For a long time, hubby did not get this treatment from us. When the kids were at kindy, he would leave the house while we were all sleeping. No one got up to say goodbye to him. When he got home, most days we would all still be napping (yes, the kids napped till very late evening previously), so he would let himself in. Now that the kids are in primary school, he takes them to school in the morning so he wakes us all up (since he is the morning person) and we turn our backs on him sleepily, cover our faces with a pillow and try to go back to sleep but at least the house is noisy and alive after that.

If he is home late, we would sometimes be eating without him and he would ask “never wait for me ah”. Everyone would be busy eating and talking at the table, no one takes any notice of him when he comes in the door and he would say “how come no one comes to say hello to me?” Haha. Now that I bother to write this down, I realise that his coming home from work isn’t anything at all like that of my neighbour from years ago.

So I decided that in the evenings, we would all go to the door to smile, say hello and greet him when he gets home. So thats what we did for the past two days. The first day he said “why is everyone smiling?”. The second day he said “I saw the light on upstairs. How come you’re here?”

“We came to greet you.” I said. The little one held out a drawing he had just finished and showed it to him. The elder one had left a note for him on  his table, something about “daddy, can you give me money to buy flowers for mummy for Mother’s Day.” so she was eager to see him too. He isn’t used to it yet but I hope to keep it up, teach the kids to stop what they are doing and go to open the door for daddy and welcome him home. It would certainly be nice for daddy and the kids. It doesn’t take very much effort for me to do at all since I have a helper who helps me with the cooking. After my helper leaves next year, I could still do it if I time my work properly or perhaps the kids would have gotten into a  habit by then. I hope to keep it up and that is what this post is for. To remind me to make that commitment to do so. It is such a small thing that I can do for my spouse and my kids but it will be good for them and I  hope it makes them happy. Being able to do this makes me happy.