The Dark Days

We have entered a dark phase. It is like going into a long dark tunnel. It is cold and horrible in the tunnel. We are all there sometimes together sometimes falling apart. Will we get out?

My brows are permaneantly knitted in knots. Knots upon knots. My shoulders and gait drooped with the weight of it all. It is as I am carrying an unseen weight. I have lost weight the weight that no amount of exercise or dieting will make me lose.

My son was hospitalised for a week following fever that will not go away for 3-4 days. The doctor feared kawasaki syndrome, an autoimmune decease where the body attacks itself. As if that was not bad enough, on the first or second night when he was in hospital, I think that my daughter had another seizure in her sleep at home. There was blood on the sheets, quite a lot of it. I did not see what happened as I was at the hospital. My husband did not see or hear what happened as he was in another room. He only saw the blood afterwards.

When I heard about the blood, my heart sank right to the bottom of my feet if that is possible. Running between hospital and home to care for both kids was a drain for us. At one point we had to go from one hospital to another since the boy is hospitalised in one and the girl sees a doc in another. The boy is traumatised by the IV needles and all the blood tests he had to go through. He moans and cries in his sleep at the hospital.

We are worried sick for the girl. Both kids have had to miss school and the girl has tests around the corner which is a big thing for her as the pressure builds up from the school with more and more work than usual. More pressure means a higher chance for a seizure for her, for me too. I must take care of myself despite the circumstances. No one in the family has had good sleep for days. I want to sleep. Sometimes I sleep from sheer tiredness, sometimes I can’t sleep but I have to sleep. I can’t risk a seizure at this time.

We sort of pressured the doctor to discharge the boy but we still have to bring him in for tests. He is looking much better now and we could not take the running around anymore. We have limited resourses and energy. I wanted to welcome him home happily to his home sweet home but the auto gate broke down and I could not open it. I want to cry.

I realise that in times of crisis, my husband and I do not come together, we come apart and push away from each other because we are so different. Are we only good together during good times? I guess we are both just under a lot of stress. I am so tired. I am scared. I am worried.